Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A little reality check.

I took a trip down to Lavalette, NJ on Sunday to see what I could do to help in the rebuilding and restoring of my summer home. Knowing what happened and seeing the footage on the news is nothing compared to walking through the devastation of the Jersey shore. I felt like I was walking around a giant movie set. Piles and piles of houses next to wide areas of nothing where houses used to be. Seeing what was left of the Lavalette boardwalk (which is where I usually start my morning runs).. it was grounding. I really had to stop and think about the things I complain about. I complain because I struggle with food issues, I complain because I want to lose weight, I complain because I have to wake up early for work. Well, as much as we all need to complain sometimes, I really have nothing to complain about. Walking through the aftermath of hurricane Sandy was grounding. It was eye opening. Very much a reality check for me. Probably something I needed to make me realize I need to appreciate all the things I have in life because nothing is permanent.

Life is a gift. Never forget to enjoy and bask in every moment you are in”
- Unknown


Saturday, April 6, 2013

Spring Break.

Hey all!! It has been awhile since I have written... and I really can't blame anything!! If I want to be a blogger I think I need to get better at blogging!! This past week I was on “spring break”. School was closed and it was a much needed break to sit around and do nothing. Literally. I did nothing.. besides working out and food shopping. It has been so nice!! No waking up to an alarm, no work drama, etc. I did bring home things from work to do while on break and did I do any of it?!? Nope. Not one thing. Oh well, that is what break is for right?!

I have a new obsession with two TV shows. I am not the biggest TV watcher but this break has allowed me to reconnect with netflix! I watched all 3 seasons of Arrested Development and if you have not watched it I really suggest you do. It is hysterical. At the end of May a 4th season is coming out for Netflix only and I can't wait!! I also watched season 3 of Justified and am moving on to season 4. Another amazing show!! Check them out if you haven't already! I almost don't like finding good shows because I don't want to spend so much time infront of the TV. Oh well.. they are worth it :)

I hope everyone had a great Easter holiday. Mine was full of wine and food! I enjoyed every minute of it and did not let myself feel guilty for eating certain things. Big step for me! We only live once and we should enjoy each moment we have. I am trying to work on that.
I have a workout to share with you guys. Check out the I workout section for it. All you need is a bosu.. if you don't have one you could do it with nothing but your wonderful self!
Here's to remaining positive and enjoying life!!

Enjoy your Saturday!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Hitting Bottom

Once you hit bottom the only way to go is up right??

 I found out some information last weekend which made me re-live some moments from my past and not the good moments. Of course I turned to the one thing I turn to when I feel any sort of emotion- binging. Hit rock bottom. I am learning when you hit bottom it is time to take a real hard look at things and work on how you can fix them. Stay as positive as you can and work on getting yourself to a good place. I saw a quote which really hit me and it said: “Don’t look back, you aren’t going that way”. It is so true. We aren’t moving in reverse. We are moving forward. We need to forgive others and forgive ourselves to live a happy, positive and fulfilling life. I am still working on finding mine but I know I will get there. I have been reading a lot of articles on www.mindbodygreen.com. I recommend checking the website out for some awesome information. The website makes me want to become a yogi!!


Sunday, March 10, 2013

A new week and some guilty tv pleasures.

Another week goes by where I realize I have not stopped to blog. I really need to get better at paying attention to that!

So I have changed my goals for myself when it comes to binge eating. Of course.. I want this ED gone, like yesterday.. but that is not possible. It takes a great deal of effort. It amazes me to think how my goal is to be in the best possible shape I can be and have a healthy relationship with food but somehow I end up sabotaging it and binging. Reality is- it is a disorder. It takes work to get better and it is not just going to stop. My goal for myself is for my binge eating to decrease in the amount of days per week. A few weeks back it was everyday.. this last week 4 out of the 7 days were binge days. Yes, I am disappointed in myself but that is less than the week before. I need to focus on the positive and not the negative. Today is the start of a new week and my goal is to do better this week than the last. I know I can do it! I have also increased my working out again. I was feeling so down about myself that I was not even going to the gym for fear of what others would think about me. That is not going to stop me anymore!
New topic... guilty tv pleasures. Mine is by far Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries. Supernatural is my favorite though. Netflix has seasons 1-7 and I am re-watching them.. yes, re watching!! Do you guys have any guilty tv pleasures??
Today I want to do the crossfit 13.1 open WOD involving lots of burpees and snatches. I think I may throw in a P90X dvd too. Here is to a better week!!!
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Time for change.

Weekends fly by. I swear the days go from Friday night- Sunday night. No Saturday in between.

My mother brought me a book to read she got from a seminar on change. It is called Who Moved my Cheese? It is about 2 mice and 2 little people searching for cheese and what they have to do when their cheese is moved (change). It is a very short read and the moral of the story is a good one. I recommend it to anyone who has a little bit of a hard time with change, in life, in their job, in relationships, etc. Everyone has to face change eventually and how we handle it says a lot about who we are and what the outcome of the change will be.
I went for a bunch of bloodwork last week to try and figure out what has been going on with me lately. I also have an appointment with an allergist next week. Waking up every day with a migraine, swollen eyes and a body retaining a crazy amount of water has not been pretty. I am ready to be feeling better. I feel like every day I am moody, irritable and depressed from whatever is going on. I am totally taking it out on my family too.. which is not fair. So I guess it is time for me to change and figure out what to do when my cheese is moved :)

Enjoy your Sunday!!

Friday, February 22, 2013

Willpower where have you gone?

Ok confession. As you already know I suffer from emotional binge eating. Well.. it seems that it has been running my life lately. Feels good to get that off my chest! As of today, I am not letting it happen anymore. From Thanksgiving until about March has been a hard time for me for the last few years. My best friend passed away 5 years ago this month. I am wondering if this is why my binge eating increases like crazy during this time. This binge eating leads to weight gain which, for me, leads to depression. I pull back from the gym and do nothing because I feel awful about myself. I feel as if everyone looking at me just sees the weight I have put on. Which is crazy... just me and my good old mental issues!!

I remember the good old days where I had the willpower to stay away from any food which in my mind was “bad”. Wouldn't go near it. Now I feel as if everything I try to stay away from ends up consuming my thoughts and is what I binge on. Crazy!! I do not understand how there is not more research done on this disorder with ways to help those of us who suffer from it. I really think it is more common then not. I suffered from it when I was younger, I just had no idea what it was. Interestingly enough when I had that willpower the disorder went dormant. Or maybe, my thoughts are all wrong and the food restriction led to the binging again. However I honestly think I use it to fulfill an emotional need. People tell you to identify your triggers. Well everything in life must be mine- being sad, lonely, bored, tired, frustrated, anxious, feeling like a failure, etc. All of my emotions lead me straight to a binge.

I am promising myself I will get a handle on this. I will take my life back!!
I had a doctors appointment today to under go some testing for a possible gluten allergy/intolerance and lupus. I also had a whole metabolic profile completed. It will be interesting to see the results. After being tested I did some research and apparently there is a connection between gluten allergies and binge eating. I think I will continue research in this area and let you all know what I find out!
I hope everyone had a great week. Heres to an even better weekend!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Failure is my middle name.

Ever have those mornings where you wake up thinking “today is a new day.. a new start” just to end up messing up and then saying “tomorrow is a new day... a new start”. Ugh! I feel like I have been stuck in this cycle for weeks, who am I kidding- MONTHS, now. I keep trying to forgive myself but each and every day I am failing at the goals I am trying to accomplish. I am unsure of how to work my way around (through??) this life lesson. I can not figure out what it is yet.. but I want to learn the lesson and move on. I don't like not being in control of things when it comes to my eating/working out. I feel like I am losing control and can not get a handle on it. Some how, some way this has got to change. I do not have time to waste anymore on letting my ED run my life but I am not sure how to stop it. I try.. I swear I do. Those who do not have an ED will not understand- it is not about willpower. It is about an addiction. One that you can not escape.. no matter what you do. Well, I am done. I will figure out a way to beat this and when I do I am going to commit to help others beat this too.

* check out the workout section for an awesome workout I did a few days ago... took me 45:13 to finish it :)

Friday, February 8, 2013

So much time, so little diets...

Wait.. strike that! Reverse it! (love that movie!)
This post is some what a continuation of yesterdays. So I did a bit of indulging yesterday since I started off my day with the mentality “nothing is off limits!” in regards to food. Bagels, pizza, chocolate.. all the things I try to avoid.. I let myself have. Good idea? Not so much. I do not think I am mentally ready to let myself eat those things in a normal manner. At this point, I am still an “all in” type eater when it comes to those foods. Eventually, I will have a healthy relationship with them... but for now, I still need to be careful.

So this morning I find myself researching more diets and nutrition plans. It is amazing how many there are out there. Some for all people! Today I stumbled across a baby food diet... where you literally eat nothing but baby food.. the apple diet.. where you eat nothing but apples... and a few others. But then I stumbled across something called the 80/10/10 diet. I have not done too much research on this yet but it seems like it is really focused around eating raw foods, little fats and really limiting cooked anything. I read in a blog post you eat 30 bananas a day?!? Something like that... I love bananas. That would work for me!
Just seeing all of these diets or nutrition plans made me realize all the different view points out there. Paleo vs 80/10/10.. polar opposites really.. paleo is high protein, low carb where as the 80/10/10 is high carb low protein. There are just so many things out there. What is the right answer? What really works and what doesn't? Why is America mostly over weight and unhealthy??? I wish there was an answer. If there was one, I would certainly be a lot thinner and much healthier and happier!

I am beginning to  think it is all about a healthy balance. Some people find their balance faster than others. For me, it is taking me awhile but I hopefully will get there. My goal is to be able to find my balance and be at a happier/healthier place by the end of this school year. That gives me about 6 months (a little less). I think that is a maintainable goal. When I have unrealistic goals (like waking up tomorrow 10lbs lighter) I can't reach them (for obvious reasons) and end up binge eating. Well.. no more!

On an unrelated food note- crazy snow storm had work closed for today. It will be interesting to see how much snow we do end up getting. I have a feeling my brother and I will be making a day of shoveling tomorrow!

I have a quote to share with you all. I saw Miranda Lambert in concert and at this concert she thanked everyone for loving and accepting her just the way she is. She said “I heard a quote the other day and it goes like this... 'what other people think of me is none of my business'”. I think this is something we all need to live by! We need to feel good for ourselves.. we need to love ourselves for who we are.. not to make others happy or make them love us. It is about who you are on the inside that matters. Beauty on the outside fades... but beauty on the inside is forever!

Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Its been a while (take 2)..

First of all.. sorry for not blogging for so long! I really do not have any excuses. I feel like I have been super busy but that is still no excuse.

I can't believe it is already February. Superbowl done, Ravens won (YES!!) and we are already into month 2 of 2013. How is everything going for everyone? For me, it has not been bad. I have to be honest and say I did not stick with the 17 day diet. I think I have learned my lesson. I can NOT stick to a “diet” plan. As soon as I start having restrictions on certain foods I go crazy with cravings for THOSE foods. Crazy huh?? The mind is a powerful thing. So, what I have decided is nothing is off limits but I am going to try my best to eat as clean and healthy as I can 80% of the time. Limit sugar and stick to fruit, vegetables and whole grains. The other 20% can be for those things which are my “cheat” meal/snack whatever. As soon as I place limitations on myself, I fail. Hopefully I have finally learned that lesson and I stop trying “the cabbage soup diet”, “the 17 day diet”, “The grapefruit diet”, etc. It has been proven time and again they do not work. I also think I may have developed an allergy to gluten and wheat. My body tends to swell, eyes swell, stomach hurts, headaches and even vomiting has been happening when I eat too much gluten/wheat. This is just Dr. Shanon's diagnosis, so I may be wrong.. it has happened before :)

I woke up sore from my exercises the last 2 days. Check out the I workout page for the workouts!!

Have a great Thursday... looks like lots of snow is coming my way for tomorrow! Up to 20 inches I am hearing... yikes!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Sunday FUNday (short post)

I can't actually say a super fun day for me... being I still feel a bit “under the weather”.. but any day football is on = a good one.

I thought I would update you guys on the 17 day diet so far. I am on day 6. The first 4 days I stuck to phase one without deviating at all... the 5th day not so much. My body was craving carbohydrates like crazy! So I had chocolate and pizza and it turned into an all out binge... hence the reason restrictive diets really are not good for you. Your body needs proteins, carbs and fats. The first phase of this diet restricts carbohydrates. I am working on the whole “forgive yourself” thing and have forgiven myself and tried to stick to phase one since the dreaded “oops”. Yesterday, I ate too much according to the diet. The first 17 days are restricted to 1200 calories. I had about 1500... again, the whole forgiveness thing. Another thing I am struggling with is the dairy limitation and no peanut butter. You are also only supposed to have 2 dairy servings and NO peanut butter (even though I only use bell plantation's pb2). I eat a lot of greek yogurt and pb2. So restricting those has been tough. I am trying to look at it as- if I am eating healthier, I am accomplishing something. Positive right?!?

Nothing else really new here. I want to fast forward the clock a few months to a new skinner and healthier me. If only that was possible!!

Enjoy your Sunday!!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

2013 is off to a ....

Fill in the blank... 2013 is off to a ??? start. Most people start off with a “heck yes I am going to... “eat less, exercise more, lose weight, be positive, be kinder, eat less chocolate, etc”... well how is it going so far?? For me, my blank would probably be “rocky”. We are 13 days in to 2013 and already I am off to a rocky start... you know why?? We are human. We make mistakes. This is ok! Rocky is ok!! I am looking at each day as a new start. A new beginning where the mistakes of yesterday do not matter. Each “mistake” is a new learning experience. Each day is full of learning experiences ;)

I am not sure how much I have shared regarding my relationship with food with you guys. I have an eating disorder. I briefly attended therapy but, not that my therapist was bad, I did not stick with it because it was a far drive and I felt like I was paying a lot of money just to talk about nonsense with someone. Right now, I want to start again. I actually have never been diagnosed by a professional but I can give you my professional opinion... I have experienced it all. I started off by binge eating during my middle school and high school years, cycled into anorexia when I graduated graduate school, moved on to bulimia at the end of 2009 and now am back at binge eating. My weight fluctuates so much it is crazy. This is hard for me to admit and puts myself in such a vulnerable place but I feel like I need to tell people. Maybe that will be my first step to getting better. Today, I binged. My first goal for myself is, if I binge, not to purge. Today I reached that goal. I still feel gross, fat and bloated due to the amount of food I shoveled into my body but I am trying to look at the positive side and tell myself that- hey, I did not purge! This has got to be the first step to getting better right?!?

Tomorrow I am actually starting the 17 day diet with my Mother and a bunch of her co-workers. I find it funny because they all look to me for nutrition and fitness advice. I am very good at giving it.. but not good at using it in my own life. Don't get me wrong, I love learning about nutrition, sharing what I know with everyone and I LOVE working out... but I don't look it. Why??? Because I binge eat.. and nutrition is, in my opinion, 75-80% of the way you look. So for me.. I look “average” with “a little weight to lose”. I don't want to look average. I want to look and be healthy. I want to be fit. If I am saying everything I actually want to do- I want to quit my job and become a fitness and eating disorder counselor. That is part of the reason I want to fully beat my eating disorder. I want to help others beat it. If I can live through it and beat it I really feel like I can help others too. 2013 is going to be my year to beat my eating disorder, get healthy both mentally, emotionally and physically and develop a healthy relationship with myself and my body. I will keep you guys all updated on my journey.

Thank you for listening. This post was really hard for me to share. The one thing I haven't done yet is told my parents the extent of my eating disorder.

Have any of you guys ever experienced this? What did you do? How did you share this with your family??

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Don't quit!

After posting yesterday I sat down just thought about things... I realized I was approaching things all wrong. From the negative side. I needed to stop and flip my thoughts to a positive one. Yes, I may not be exactly where I wanted to be and yes, I am going to have to work hard to get there.. but that is the beauty of it. It will help me appreciate the processes. Instant satisfaction.. that is what I wanted. Over night results... just not possible!!

I found a poem called “Don't Quit” that I wanted to share with you all. Remember life has its ups and its downs... but don't give up on your goals, don't quit!

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won have he stuck it out,
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faultering man
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup
And he learned too late when the night slipped down
How close he was to the golden crown

Success is a failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
Its when things seem worst that you must not quit"
- Anonymous

 Check out the "I workout section for a new at home workout! No equipment needed :)
Have a great Sunday and enjoy the playoffs. I know I am happy because Greenbay won last night!!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Over it

I have decided I am “over it”. I am over setting goals to let myself fall right off of them and making excuses. Maybe that should be my goal for myself in 2013.. set realistic (key realistic!) goals and stick to them. I read a recent blog where the blogger wrote herself 30 things to accomplish at 30 and I thought that was a great idea. I decided I will come up with a 28 things to accomplish at 28 for myself. When I complete my list I will post it.

Anyone else set a resolution to already have “failed” at it?!? Well, we are only human and I am part of that club. Honestly, it must mean the goal/resolution was a bit unrealistic for where I am mentally, emotionally and physically right now. I do still plan on getting myself to the best me I can be in all of those areas for this year. That can be one of my 28 things.

Some of the things I am “over”
  • eating unhealthy
  • binge eating
  • feeling lonely
  • feeling sick
  • skipping workouts for ridiculous reasons (or at least what I consider ridiculous)
  • gaining weight
  • being unhappy with myself
  • stress at work
  • being negative
There are many other things I can add to the above list but these are the first things that come to my mind. I always try to be a positive person.. when I notice things are becoming more negative I need to stop and really figure out what is going on. This is one of those times!!

Here is to remaining more positive!

I hope everyone's year has been off to a better start then mine! The great thing about life is we have the power to change, use what we have experienced as a learning opportunity and always be better then we were yesterday!!