Willpower where have you gone?

Ok confession. As you already know I suffer from emotional binge eating. Well.. it seems that it has been running my life lately. Feels good to get that off my chest! As of today, I am not letting it happen anymore. From Thanksgiving until about March has been a hard time for me for the last few years. My best friend passed away 5 years ago this month. I am wondering if this is why my binge eating increases like crazy during this time. This binge eating leads to weight gain which, for me, leads to depression. I pull back from the gym and do nothing because I feel awful about myself. I feel as if everyone looking at me just sees the weight I have put on. Which is crazy... just me and my good old mental issues!!

I remember the good old days where I had the willpower to stay away from any food which in my mind was “bad”. Wouldn't go near it. Now I feel as if everything I try to stay away from ends up consuming my thoughts and is what I binge on. Crazy!! I do not understand how there is not more research done on this disorder with ways to help those of us who suffer from it. I really think it is more common then not. I suffered from it when I was younger, I just had no idea what it was. Interestingly enough when I had that willpower the disorder went dormant. Or maybe, my thoughts are all wrong and the food restriction led to the binging again. However I honestly think I use it to fulfill an emotional need. People tell you to identify your triggers. Well everything in life must be mine- being sad, lonely, bored, tired, frustrated, anxious, feeling like a failure, etc. All of my emotions lead me straight to a binge.

I am promising myself I will get a handle on this. I will take my life back!!

I had a doctors appointment today to under go some testing for a possible gluten allergy/intolerance and lupus. I also had a whole metabolic profile completed. It will be interesting to see the results. After being tested I did some research and apparently there is a connection between gluten allergies and binge eating. I think I will continue research in this area and let you all know what I find out!

I hope everyone had a great week. Heres to an even better weekend!

Failure is my middle name.

Ever have those mornings where you wake up thinking “today is a new day.. a new start” just to end up messing up and then saying “tomorrow is a new day... a new start”. Ugh! I feel like I have been stuck in this cycle for weeks, who am I kidding- MONTHS, now. I keep trying to forgive myself but each and every day I am failing at the goals I am trying to accomplish. I am unsure of how to work my way around (through??) this life lesson. I can not figure out what it is yet.. but I want to learn the lesson and move on. I don't like not being in control of things when it comes to my eating/working out. I feel like I am losing control and can not get a handle on it. Some how, some way this has got to change. I do not have time to waste anymore on letting my ED run my life but I am not sure how to stop it. I try.. I swear I do. Those who do not have an ED will not understand- it is not about willpower. It is about an addiction. One that you can not escape.. no matter what you do. Well, I am done. I will figure out a way to beat this and when I do I am going to commit to help others beat this too.

* check out the workout section for an awesome workout I did a few days ago... took me 45:13 to finish it :)

So much time, so little diets...

Wait.. strike that! Reverse it! (love that movie!)

 

This post is some what a continuation of yesterdays. So I did a bit of indulging yesterday since I started off my day with the mentality “nothing is off limits!” in regards to food. Bagels, pizza, chocolate.. all the things I try to avoid.. I let myself have. Good idea? Not so much. I do not think I am mentally ready to let myself eat those things in a normal manner. At this point, I am still an “all in” type eater when it comes to those foods. Eventually, I will have a healthy relationship with them... but for now, I still need to be careful.

So this morning I find myself researching more diets and nutrition plans. It is amazing how many there are out there. Some for all people! Today I stumbled across a baby food diet... where you literally eat nothing but baby food.. the apple diet.. where you eat nothing but apples... and a few others. But then I stumbled across something called the 80/10/10 diet. I have not done too much research on this yet but it seems like it is really focused around eating raw foods, little fats and really limiting cooked anything. I read in a blog post you eat 30 bananas a day?!? Something like that... I love bananas. That would work for me!

Just seeing all of these diets or nutrition plans made me realize all the different view points out there. Paleo vs 80/10/10.. polar opposites really.. paleo is high protein, low carb where as the 80/10/10 is high carb low protein. There are just so many things out there. What is the right answer? What really works and what doesn't? Why is America mostly over weight and unhealthy??? I wish there was an answer. If there was one, I would certainly be a lot thinner and much healthier and happier!

I am beginning to  think it is all about a healthy balance. Some people find their balance faster than others. For me, it is taking me awhile but I hopefully will get there. My goal is to be able to find my balance and be at a happier/healthier place by the end of this school year. That gives me about 6 months (a little less). I think that is a maintainable goal. When I have unrealistic goals (like waking up tomorrow 10lbs lighter) I can't reach them (for obvious reasons) and end up binge eating. Well.. no more!

On an unrelated food note- crazy snow storm had work closed for today. It will be interesting to see how much snow we do end up getting. I have a feeling my brother and I will be making a day of shoveling tomorrow!

I have a quote to share with you all. I saw Miranda Lambert in concert and at this concert she thanked everyone for loving and accepting her just the way she is. She said “I heard a quote the other day and it goes like this... 'what other people think of me is none of my business'”. I think this is something we all need to live by! We need to feel good for ourselves.. we need to love ourselves for who we are.. not to make others happy or make them love us. It is about who you are on the inside that matters. Beauty on the outside fades... but beauty on the inside is forever!

Happy Friday everyone!

Its been a while (take 2)..

First of all.. sorry for not blogging for so long! I really do not have any excuses. I feel like I have been super busy but that is still no excuse.

I can't believe it is already February. Superbowl done, Ravens won (YES!!) and we are already into month 2 of 2013. How is everything going for everyone? For me, it has not been bad. I have to be honest and say I did not stick with the 17 day diet. I think I have learned my lesson. I can NOT stick to a “diet” plan. As soon as I start having restrictions on certain foods I go crazy with cravings for THOSE foods. Crazy huh?? The mind is a powerful thing. So, what I have decided is nothing is off limits but I am going to try my best to eat as clean and healthy as I can 80% of the time. Limit sugar and stick to fruit, vegetables and whole grains. The other 20% can be for those things which are my “cheat” meal/snack whatever. As soon as I place limitations on myself, I fail. Hopefully I have finally learned that lesson and I stop trying “the cabbage soup diet”, “the 17 day diet”, “The grapefruit diet”, etc. It has been proven time and again they do not work. I also think I may have developed an allergy to gluten and wheat. My body tends to swell, eyes swell, stomach hurts, headaches and even vomiting has been happening when I eat too much gluten/wheat. This is just Dr. Shanon's diagnosis, so I may be wrong.. it has happened before :)

I woke up sore from my exercises the last 2 days. Check out the I workout page for the workouts!!

Have a great Thursday... looks like lots of snow is coming my way for tomorrow! Up to 20 inches I am hearing... yikes!!