Sunday, January 13, 2013

2013 is off to a ....

Fill in the blank... 2013 is off to a ??? start. Most people start off with a “heck yes I am going to... “eat less, exercise more, lose weight, be positive, be kinder, eat less chocolate, etc”... well how is it going so far?? For me, my blank would probably be “rocky”. We are 13 days in to 2013 and already I am off to a rocky start... you know why?? We are human. We make mistakes. This is ok! Rocky is ok!! I am looking at each day as a new start. A new beginning where the mistakes of yesterday do not matter. Each “mistake” is a new learning experience. Each day is full of learning experiences ;)

I am not sure how much I have shared regarding my relationship with food with you guys. I have an eating disorder. I briefly attended therapy but, not that my therapist was bad, I did not stick with it because it was a far drive and I felt like I was paying a lot of money just to talk about nonsense with someone. Right now, I want to start again. I actually have never been diagnosed by a professional but I can give you my professional opinion... I have experienced it all. I started off by binge eating during my middle school and high school years, cycled into anorexia when I graduated graduate school, moved on to bulimia at the end of 2009 and now am back at binge eating. My weight fluctuates so much it is crazy. This is hard for me to admit and puts myself in such a vulnerable place but I feel like I need to tell people. Maybe that will be my first step to getting better. Today, I binged. My first goal for myself is, if I binge, not to purge. Today I reached that goal. I still feel gross, fat and bloated due to the amount of food I shoveled into my body but I am trying to look at the positive side and tell myself that- hey, I did not purge! This has got to be the first step to getting better right?!?

Tomorrow I am actually starting the 17 day diet with my Mother and a bunch of her co-workers. I find it funny because they all look to me for nutrition and fitness advice. I am very good at giving it.. but not good at using it in my own life. Don't get me wrong, I love learning about nutrition, sharing what I know with everyone and I LOVE working out... but I don't look it. Why??? Because I binge eat.. and nutrition is, in my opinion, 75-80% of the way you look. So for me.. I look “average” with “a little weight to lose”. I don't want to look average. I want to look and be healthy. I want to be fit. If I am saying everything I actually want to do- I want to quit my job and become a fitness and eating disorder counselor. That is part of the reason I want to fully beat my eating disorder. I want to help others beat it. If I can live through it and beat it I really feel like I can help others too. 2013 is going to be my year to beat my eating disorder, get healthy both mentally, emotionally and physically and develop a healthy relationship with myself and my body. I will keep you guys all updated on my journey.

Thank you for listening. This post was really hard for me to share. The one thing I haven't done yet is told my parents the extent of my eating disorder.

Have any of you guys ever experienced this? What did you do? How did you share this with your family??

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