Every family has their own. A tradition my mother, brother and I have is baking Christmas cookies. My mother and I make the dough.. my brother steals the dough and eats it. My mother and I bake the cookies.. my brother steals the freshly baked cookies and eats them. Tradition.
Well... my mother and I decided to start our cookies yesterday. We experimented with some new dough so we made a “pre- Christmas” batch to see how they would turn out. I figured I would have a cookie.. and then let my brother and father eat the rest. Needless to say that did not happen. I had to have had at least 10 cookies. Literally. They are very small butter cookies.. but still. 10 cookies. If I am lucky. Then today my mother and I made my favorite cookies which we have not made in years. They are cookies which take 2 days to make. A process which we really have not felt like doing in a long time. This year, we decided to do it. Today, like yesterday.. I thought I would have a piece of one (these are very LARGE cookies). Well some dough and 4-5 cookies later I am sitting here very upset with myself. I am not the type of person who can eat a cookie and enjoy it. I am the type who eats a cookie and immediately feels guilty for going off my “nutrition plan”. Can you imagine eating 20 cookies in 2 days? What that is doing to my brain?!? Yikes!! Not a good thing. It also makes my body go into a rebellion. I feel gross = I don't workout. My body does not feel right and I feel like if I was to walk into the gym everyone would see the bright sign over me saying “I ate 10000 cookies today”. I am working on changing my mind set. Moments like these make me realize I still have a long way to go on my journey to body/food acceptence.
I need to realize that this is life. Sometimes we eat good food, and sometimes we eat food that really is not nutritionally good for us. There are worse things in life. I wish I could take a magic pill or wake up one morning without this issue. I do not like my unhealthy relationship with my body and food. I want it to go away and leave me alone so I can enjoy my life. I only get to live it once. I need to let go of the things that really are not a big deal. I need to be happy for all the wonderful things I have. I need to face things head on instead of eating to hide my emotions and anxieties.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I hope those of you who feel this way too are reading this and realizing you are not alone. There are so many other men and women out there who are struggling with these kind of feelings every day. Each day is a new one. Lets learn to forgive ourselves. Lets learn to live life to the fullest and enjoy every second we have.